Caving in...

Depression is taking its toll on me.

Often, little things amuse me. Cat strolling by, flowers blooming along the road side, blue skies, cooking, people watching, fat dogs...It doesn't take much to make me smile.

But that doesn't mean my life is peachy.

I have a friend who hates me to my guts and makes it her mission to inform people of my flaws behind my back.

My self proclaimed best friend easily abandons me for more popular people or for herself.

My college mates and M'sian friends are busy with their own lives.

My family back home are leading their lives without me.

The sole person I claim love from has no idea how to love me.

It's not like I haven't tried my best. I've turned my cheek and received a great deal of slaps. I've loved them as much as I love myself. I've offered everything I own to be used as their own.

It feels like I try so hard but I get nothing in return. Isn't love a basic human response?

Am I less important than a piece of exam? Am I just a tool until needed? Am I just a sideshow for the more anticipated main? Am I just plain unlovable and worthless to those around me?

If I could be in a state which I wouldn't care. If it could just happen now...quick and painless. If everything could just fade away.

Dreams and Ambitions

At that age when I started having crushes, but just before steady dating, I used to daydream about unadulterated romance: sappy love songs, fireworks, bunches of beautiful flowers, cosy picnics, exaggerated declarations of love, rooms filled with helium balloons, love letters, radio dedications, weekend trips away...

At that age when I started having to choose a career path, but just before experiencing life changing failures, I had huge ambitions of being at the top of the professional society; well respected career, multiple degrees, PhDs, top results in education, world class universities, above average income...

Looking back, I wonder what happened to that drive of wanting to be a cut above the rest. Failure has left me settling for a probable career that I have no passion for; to settle for average results; to avoid risks in my relationships.

I AM studying at a wonderful university, averaging at 2:1 without much effort, high chances of employment with a steady income and in a stable relationship despite the lacking spontaneity and oomph.

Should I be content with what I have?

Or should I

...strive for a first?

...register in various different countries as a Pharmacist?

...travel the world before concentrating on my career?

...apply for a place at a cookery school for a year?

...find my passion?

...be more spontaneous and romantic?

Shouldn't my personal development be showing an exponential growth instead of plateauing?

I have a superpower...

...to be able to gain and lose 2 whole kg...

...on a monthly basis...

...every month...

...forever...

What is this crazy thing, hah?

I've just completed the most excruciation 3 months of my life; what with exams (MPharm, not to be taken lightly. It'll chew your bones out), home-sickness, and house-hold conflicts.

I'd say the last month was another test of my faith and to bring me back into letting God take the lead of my life.

I had that much to MEMORISE...

...within 3 weeks.

A couple of my closest friends in London turned against me due to some misunderstanding;

I missed my family;

I was quite sure the world hated me...

Suicidal thoughts made way to my mind;

I found no pleasure in eating food and would rather starve then cook;

I felt weak and exhausted every single day but still had to study from daybreak 'til dawn (In my terms, 9am til 2am).

I'm lucky I have mom and Eric smacking me in the face and telling me to stop depending on myself and to rely on God - to not please the people of the world but to only please God; to place my burden on God; to find peace and joy knowing Christ has saved us.

One day, I decided to dust off my bible and turned to a random page. This was what I saw:

Mark 4:40 - He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

Afraid I was! Of losing my friends, of being alone, of failing my exams, of being not good enough, of getting dumped again. Oh, there were so many things I was afraid of...And I'm pretty sure it wasn't a PMS episode.

I decided I've had enough of this. I prayed, and prayed and prayed and gave my whole heart out to God.

I gave my best shot with the exams. And I kid you not, 90% of the materials I focused on were tested!

I stuck post-it messages on the walls and baked food (pandan cup-cakes and cheese puffs) for my flatmate in hope that they will see that I am sincere and honest. I was accused of many things and words that came at me were harsh. But I learnt not to judge anyone from their actions and pray people around me will learn the same.

Matthew 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Despite having still a slight aversion to food, at least I'm making lunch and dinner dates with old and new friends to catch up.

I'm glad God missed me and decided He should do something about it so I'll go back to his open arms. =) And it does take a lot of chiseling for us humans to become more Christ-like.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR 2011, YOU LOT! Or..um...just you, my only reader.

I had a bad day

Woke up with an excruciating pain in my abdomen which lasted for the whole morning... cold sweats, nausea, dizziness, shivering, black-outs, the works...leaving me begging God for mercy and dangerously close intentions of calling 911 to give me a jab of pure, unadulterated morphine. Dysmenorrhoea's a b*tch.

Waited for a parcel that never came.

Waited for an electrician/plumber to fix the showers (that spews either freezing cold water or scalding hot water) and my broken ceiling lamp (getting too comfortable studying in the dark), only to find he'll be showing up tomorrow instead.

Way behind on my studies and pretty sure I'm gonna fail this term without God's graces.

Feel so exhausted today for no apparent reason (...may be due to writhing in agony half the day).

Then came a phone call which brought up every other crappy emotions: distrust, embarrassment, anger, sorrow, doubt, envy, neglect, worthlessness...

Damn the evil concoction of hormones that creates a soupy mess of chemical imbalance within my delicate circulations...every 28 freakin' days!

And hey, it's only 5.45pm. Let's see what else is there to come.

Makes me 'not' happy =(

Imperfections are a total bugger...my internal organs twitch at the sight of things that are out of place. A cup left out by someone, unwashed dishes in the sink, pens that are not arranged according to size, colour and usability.

So of course, every time I see myself in the mirror, I need to fight the urge to jump off a tall buildilng...in hope of convincing the surgeons who are realigning my spinal cords...to rearrange my face to look more appealing and to reconstruct my disproportionate body to look like Kate Moss'.

I was a clumsy child (still am, actually!). I am left with unattractive scars all over me. But thank God, I was given the ability to walk, hop, run into lamp posts!

My hair is a mass of tangled twigs that not even birds would consider fit as their nest. But thank God I'm not bald! No offence to the principals of Methodist Secondary School...

I have crap metabolism! A piece of fudge will require a 10km marathon to burn off. Otherwise, they'd just conveniently convert their sugary self into fat globules and settle in places I don't even think is appropriate to mention.

You know the process....But thank God as He has provided me with food on my plate and water to drink.

I hate having to wear glasses/contact lenses all day. But thank God I have the gift of sight! And one day, maybe the gift of lasic surgery from my parents XD

I absolutely LOATHE being short and chubby. It destroys me knowing that I will never be
perceived as beautiful...Even buying a pair of pants causes dilemma and so much pain...knowing this or that girl will look better in it and I'll just look like a lump of potato.

...not the most attractive thing in the world...

It's really, really difficult to be thankful...especially when living in a world which prizes beauty and material above all else.

But then, there was this ONE man who was willing to die for a lump of potato like me. So, I will live for Him, and for Him alone. So, in your face, world!

So every Sunday, I dress my best, knowing I am heading for a place that I will not be judged by anyone. I try my best to remember that I am worthy enough for God's love and sacrifice.

Happy Easter 2010 =D

I suppose I should get off the the top of Big Ben now and go home...

heartbreak...

2 days ago, my mom broke the news that her cousin, Sarah, passed away last month.

...it was a car accident in Hong Kong....

Although I barely knew her, I've heard lots about her. She was only 30. She has an amazing dad whom I call Singapore Kong Kong...someone I look up to.

Sarah's practically a stranger to me but the shock of this news was tremendous. The first person I thought of was my great-uncle. The grief he is now experiencing must be unbearable. Being a doctor who saves hundreds of lives, but having no control over...this...

I can't explain how crushed I am right now and how close I am to bursting into tears. What if it was someone closer to me? What if I wasn't there with that person? What if the last thing I said was 'catch ya later'?

Future home

Haven't got a bloody clue what to blog about...

Found a totally cool camera application on my laptop though! "I've found my twin!"
"Leazilla says "RAWR!"

Life is just a big mash of uncertainty, for the moment...

1) Where am I suppose to stay during the summer?! I'm gonna be stuck in London, all alone, working in Boot's...(Yippee?).

2) Where am I gonna stay during my second year in uni?! See...this is the kinda place I wanna live in...


Nice big, modern kitchen
Stylish bedroom...Or this one down here is fine too...I'm not picky XP


Clean bathroom...This one is even fit for sharing so one can poop and another can pee at the same time. Saves time, you see.


And of course, a cozy living room...

Why can't I have this basic luxury of having my own domicile?
I'm guessing...not enough whining and tantrums...Mom, Dad!! GIMME!!!!

3) Not sure if I'm gonna past my first year exams...=(
Had an extemporaneous drug making exam yesterday...the experience was like baking poison without any recipes!! I've walked around the lab and took a few pictures....Beware future patients..."Hi there, ma'am...Yes, your Kaolin mixture is almost ready...We're gonna fix your diarrhea right up!"
"Hello, sir! Here's the constipation drug you need. We've even sculpted it in the shape of poopies to encourage your defecation process"

"Valium you say, miss...Why, I make the best...Even tried some myself"

I just realised there's a lot of mention about faecal matter in this post...

When God doesn't answer your prayer...

First of all, I gotta apologise to my friends whom I promised I will be online the whole time during this Easter holidays. Sowies~~!! Something came up...and, well...it just threw me off chatting with anyone.



Back to the title...Now, when God doesn't answer our prayers...especially when you put your whole heart in it, especially when it's uber important to you...

This is what people tend to do...

Or....

Or maybe...this

Gotta love "suicide bunny" comics...HEH!! Fortunately, God put the fear of pain and of course, the usual humanistic fear of dying, in me...

Reading up on lots of Christian webpages on WHY GOD DOESN'T ANSWER OUR PRAYERS...
here's a few reasons from what the pastors preached/posted:
1) You're a sinner (Praying for financial support to support your adultress girlfriend.)
2) You have bad intentions (You want somebody dead)
3) It's not the right time (You want to have a BMW convertible NOW, even if you're 7)

There's plenty more...but I can't remember them. But the one thing I always convince myself and other people who are in the same situation, is that:
1) God is the WISEST in the WHOLE UNIVERSE, and HE KNOWS what's best for us.
2) God will not give you more than you can handle...So all this pain and trouble, I was given to deal with, because I God knows I'm strong enough to handle them.
For example, a mother is given a down syndrome child, because God knows she has the strength to deal with this. A child is born to a mother with Alzheimer's because God knows that that child is strong enough to support his/her mother.

Well, I don't have much time to authenticise this post as I'll be going back to school in a few hours, but...this is what's at the top of my mind now. So...GOODBYE til next month, probbly..!!

Time flies...!

5 more months 'til I can go home to receive my more-than-deserved pampering!!! I can't believe how fast time flies nowadays. I mean, last year, I was practically begging and screaming at the clock to move faster...despairingly it still ticks it's ever so annoying steady tocks. (k, that's a weird expression).

These few weeks, I found myself of thinking about the weirdest questions...
For example...
1) What causes a hangover (something to do with the lack of water in the body and the Krebs cycle);
2) is a cold actually caused my getting caught in the rain or being exposed to chills (no it doesn't! and the cold air doesn't even inactivate your immune system!) ?

I gotta say, I find it annoying when people tell me in an ever so fragile way that "Oh, I can't go under the rain because my weak and frail body will cause me to have a cold the next day. Woe is me~"

Anyway! My college is being a ****head (fill in the blank with ur own colourful word) for blocking my blogspot website. I mean, none of the others are blocked..only MINE! So, I can only update (considering I have the inspiration) during the holidays when I'm away from that wretched place. Okay, so maybe it isn't really a bad place...with free laundry services, a cozy bed with pillows and duvet, good food....i'm gonna miss my college one day...BUT not too soon. HEH!

Life's pretty hectic here at the mo (that might be why time seems to fly)...uni applications, interviews, exams, course works, bla bla bla...*and she drones on and on without a care in the world......*

Once again, this school has managed to send a wave of misery among us fellow students. Yet another instant messaging website is blocked! Do they desire us to live in isolation, away from the outside world?! I mean, fair enough if they block youtube to stop innocent young minds from wandering into the realms of sexual darkness. But depriving us of chatting, especially to us FOREIGNERS, is just cruel!! I've been endlessly searching for IM web pages to satisfy my humanly needs to communicate with my family and friends, but do they show us any compassion...?? NOOoOOooOooo~~ Do they THINK we grow bloody money trees in our bloody backyards?! They block each and every website I throw up them! Here's a NON-COMPLETE list of what I've used and they've BLOCKED over the year...

IMO.IM

GOOWY.COM

BEBO.COM

ILOVEIM.COM

MEEBO.COM
KOOLIM.COM

MSN2GO.COM

EBUDDY.COM

MSN.AUDIOWATCHER.COM

E-MESSENGER.NET

HTTP://WEBMESSENGER.MSN.COM/

HTTP://WWW.MESSENGERFX.COM/

And I threw in couple with blocks ip addresses

HIDEIPADDRESS.NET
VTUNNEL.TV

Believe you me, this is just the beginning of the list! SIGH~~Oh yeah, did I mention, I can't download any friggin thing as well. Gr...!!

Well, here's a cute picture of a hamster to end this delightful post. Have a lovely day!