Caving in...

Depression is taking its toll on me.

Often, little things amuse me. Cat strolling by, flowers blooming along the road side, blue skies, cooking, people watching, fat dogs...It doesn't take much to make me smile.

But that doesn't mean my life is peachy.

I have a friend who hates me to my guts and makes it her mission to inform people of my flaws behind my back.

My self proclaimed best friend easily abandons me for more popular people or for herself.

My college mates and M'sian friends are busy with their own lives.

My family back home are leading their lives without me.

The sole person I claim love from has no idea how to love me.

It's not like I haven't tried my best. I've turned my cheek and received a great deal of slaps. I've loved them as much as I love myself. I've offered everything I own to be used as their own.

It feels like I try so hard but I get nothing in return. Isn't love a basic human response?

Am I less important than a piece of exam? Am I just a tool until needed? Am I just a sideshow for the more anticipated main? Am I just plain unlovable and worthless to those around me?

If I could be in a state which I wouldn't care. If it could just happen now...quick and painless. If everything could just fade away.

Dinner Menu

French Onion Soup

Painstakingly sliced onions and caramelised onions, de-glazed with dry white wine and simmered in beef stock...Deliciously fragrant but onions could do with more caramelising.

Mini dinner rolls

Needs work...failed to produce the crispy crust I so adore and under seasoned.

Japanese Melon Pan (similar to HK bo lor bao)

Delish! Soft, milky flavoured buns (although a tad dry and could be fluffier) wrapped in a sweet, crispy pastry crust.

Cooking is my antidepressant, my relaxant, my LSD, my serotonin and dopamine stimulant... If only I could be better.

Makes me happy 13 =)

CANDDDAAAYYYY!!!!

Evolution of my "sweet" addiction...pun intended XD

Gummy Bears

Brill webpage coming your way!

http://web.mac.com/moistproduction/flash/index.html

Jelly Beans

Wine Gums

Licorice

Mmm...Chewy goodness...

Had an amazing Bath!

The date was 5th of March two-oh-one-one. 'Twas a regularly, ol' Saturday for most...

...but an adventure for moi!

DAY TRIP!

Destination: Bath, UK

Mode of Transport: Train (that was delayed by an hour -.-)

Weather: White clouds with sunny intervals says BBC weather.

Pish posh...it was freezing!

Travel Buddy: Eric

Attractions:

Me!

Naw...Just messin' with ya.

Bath Abbey

Basically just a big, ancient church ><

Pulteney Bridge

'Tis a pretty bridge

Sally Lunn's, Bath's oldest House, c.1482

'Tis old indeed.

The Roman Baths

I have a feeling this is where Bath got it's name. I could be wrong.

When the munchies attack:

Breakfast at the Guildhall Market

Afternoon Tea in the Pump Room

where we savoured the famous Bath Buns

Dinner with our guest star at Yak Yeti Yak!

the lovely Ting Huong Eng!

Lack of photos due to rapid consumption of food

Souvenirs:

Sally Lunn's historical buns

No, I'm not talking about her gluteus maximus region

A delicious toffee apple...

...rolled in dark chocolate chips and studded with fluffy marshmallows

Yeah, I'm gonna rub it in reeeeaaaaal deep.

Dang...I ate all my souvenirs.

Souvenirs: Not anymore

Cravings...

...for MEAT

Made meself a couple of sweet, juicy, pork and beef Parmesan meatloaves slathered with a tangy glaze...Mmm...

'Tis my 2nd time making meatloaf and I think it's just DELISH!

Now who else do I thank but American television for introducing this wonderful dish into my life. God bless America.

I've also tried making American-kids-camp style Sloppy Joes a couple of times using http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2010/03/sloppy-joes-recipe-video.html 's recipe. Amazing!

Never again will I doubt the magic of reasonably priced ground meat and their ability to produce mouth salivating delicacies.

I've also mastered the art of making Chilli Con Carne with any edible ingredient that can be found in my flat.

Doesn't look like much, but YUM!

Oh man, all this talk of meat...I want a steak.

Dreams and Ambitions

At that age when I started having crushes, but just before steady dating, I used to daydream about unadulterated romance: sappy love songs, fireworks, bunches of beautiful flowers, cosy picnics, exaggerated declarations of love, rooms filled with helium balloons, love letters, radio dedications, weekend trips away...

At that age when I started having to choose a career path, but just before experiencing life changing failures, I had huge ambitions of being at the top of the professional society; well respected career, multiple degrees, PhDs, top results in education, world class universities, above average income...

Looking back, I wonder what happened to that drive of wanting to be a cut above the rest. Failure has left me settling for a probable career that I have no passion for; to settle for average results; to avoid risks in my relationships.

I AM studying at a wonderful university, averaging at 2:1 without much effort, high chances of employment with a steady income and in a stable relationship despite the lacking spontaneity and oomph.

Should I be content with what I have?

Or should I

...strive for a first?

...register in various different countries as a Pharmacist?

...travel the world before concentrating on my career?

...apply for a place at a cookery school for a year?

...find my passion?

...be more spontaneous and romantic?

Shouldn't my personal development be showing an exponential growth instead of plateauing?

I have a superpower...

...to be able to gain and lose 2 whole kg...

...on a monthly basis...

...every month...

...forever...

What is this crazy thing, hah?

I've just completed the most excruciation 3 months of my life; what with exams (MPharm, not to be taken lightly. It'll chew your bones out), home-sickness, and house-hold conflicts.

I'd say the last month was another test of my faith and to bring me back into letting God take the lead of my life.

I had that much to MEMORISE...

...within 3 weeks.

A couple of my closest friends in London turned against me due to some misunderstanding;

I missed my family;

I was quite sure the world hated me...

Suicidal thoughts made way to my mind;

I found no pleasure in eating food and would rather starve then cook;

I felt weak and exhausted every single day but still had to study from daybreak 'til dawn (In my terms, 9am til 2am).

I'm lucky I have mom and Eric smacking me in the face and telling me to stop depending on myself and to rely on God - to not please the people of the world but to only please God; to place my burden on God; to find peace and joy knowing Christ has saved us.

One day, I decided to dust off my bible and turned to a random page. This was what I saw:

Mark 4:40 - He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

Afraid I was! Of losing my friends, of being alone, of failing my exams, of being not good enough, of getting dumped again. Oh, there were so many things I was afraid of...And I'm pretty sure it wasn't a PMS episode.

I decided I've had enough of this. I prayed, and prayed and prayed and gave my whole heart out to God.

I gave my best shot with the exams. And I kid you not, 90% of the materials I focused on were tested!

I stuck post-it messages on the walls and baked food (pandan cup-cakes and cheese puffs) for my flatmate in hope that they will see that I am sincere and honest. I was accused of many things and words that came at me were harsh. But I learnt not to judge anyone from their actions and pray people around me will learn the same.

Matthew 7:2-5 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Despite having still a slight aversion to food, at least I'm making lunch and dinner dates with old and new friends to catch up.

I'm glad God missed me and decided He should do something about it so I'll go back to his open arms. =) And it does take a lot of chiseling for us humans to become more Christ-like.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR 2011, YOU LOT! Or..um...just you, my only reader.